Old Spice deodorant has repackaged itself to reflect a cool new generation. Sure, you can buy Old Spice “Classic.” But. . but. . . that’s your father’s deodorant, right? This is not your father’s Old Spice-mobile.

Now you can buy Old Spice DANGER ZONE. OOooooOooooo. If you’re the sporty type, try Old Spice GAME DAY. If you are a surfer dude wannabe, how about Old Spice FIJI or AQUA REEF or PACIFIC SURGE? Ladies, would you rather date a guy wearing Old Spice PLAYMAKER or Old Spice SWAGGER? I think the Swagger guy is a bit over the top, myself, but I wouldn’t leave my drink unattended around the Playmaker. If your guy has just come in from a sweaty encounter with a grizzly, make him put on a dab of Old Spice DENALI. If he’s wearing Old Spice KOMODO. . .hmm. Lizard on human love. . . I don’t think so. On the other hand, who’s sexier than Godzilla?

Ok, here is my favorite Old Spice, innocuously named Old Spice HighEndurance. If you flip the thing over on its belly and read its label, the ingredients are listed thus:

Contains Odor Fighting “Atomic Robots” that “Shoot Lasers” At Your “Stench Monsters” And Replaces Them With Fresh, Clean Masculine “Scent Elves.”

I want that guy.  Yeah, yeah, yeah–he doesn’t understand subject/verb agreement, but give him a break. He’s an elf!